I am sitting here at home:

I have finished my homework, had dinner, and prepped lunch for tomorrow. I thought this might be a good time to write.

I haven't written anything for a long time and I have to say I am feeling a little guilty. There has been so much going on that I don't even have time to read the stuff I normally read on Blogger. I feel so out of touch. Like I fell into the Carpentry Vortex. It is all I can think about, no social life (well not much), I am getting to fewer and fewer meetings, I know it isn't healthy, cause life is all about balance. Right now I guess I am on the contra-dependent swing. My usual swing is from overly dependent on others to hyper-self sufficient.

The thing is at school I am learning all this new stuff, and I want to put it to use, Right Now!

I don't want to wait until the course is over and I get a job. I want to build stuff now.

I went to the flea market this weekend and looked at all the old tools and even bought a few. I know that I got some good stuff, it is quality stuff and in not bad condition, little rusty but (almost) complete and straight. I got a Stanley No5 Jack plane, for $20! All it is missing is the chipper. I am so looking forward to using my hand tools to make use of some of the material that others think is scrap, and make some beautiful stuff out of it. I know it is all fantasy at this point. But really the sky is the limit (and yes I know about the Sky Hooks).

I took a book out of the library of woodworking projects, and there are a few things I am going to sketch out some of the ideas and build my own version of... Cause I never follow a pattern exactly.

For the first time in a long time I am excited, like really excited, about something.

I guess this is part of the pendulum swing... Each time I get a little closer to balance.

There is good in this world and I am feeling part of it today.

I have been living in this particular basement suite for more than two years. I was in a really tough spot when I chose it. I was running away from a very abusive relationship and had nowhere to go and no time. I found this place kinda by accident, I looked at a place down the street and took too long to decide and they gave it to someone else. I saw the sign on the window of this place and took a look cause I was desperate. It looked okay, notice I say LOOKED. So far every time something happens that needs to be fixed it takes months to even get a response from the landlord. And they still haven't finished the things they promised to do before I moved in. The landlords do not speak any English, and unfortunately I do not speak any Punjabi. So we have this major communication barrier. I have very recently decided that I need to move. The problem with that is that I have no money, and am starting school in a couple of days. I have way too much stuff and not enough time. I am reflecting on what my life has been for the last year or so, and I have wasted so much time. I have been feeling so sorry for myself and woe is me, I can't do anything right and Please feel sorry for me... It is so destructive.

So here I am starting school in two days, with a leaky toilet, fighting with the landlord, hating where I live and how much stuff I have. I could go on...

But today is a whole new day. I can make today anything I want it to be. I can get up off my butt and start something.

On a slightly lighter note. (Okay whole lot lighter)

My funding got approved. I was scheduled to get my first deposit tomorrow. I just checked my bank balance and the deposit came in a day early! ***Yay!*** I get to go shopping today. :) Tools and Supplies today, and books tomorrow. I might even hit up a thrift store cause I really need some jeans.

Anyway... I have stuff to do. Time to get some breaky in my belly and get moving. 

POP!

I am going through a rough spot.

That's putting it gently.

I have applied for the course I want, at the school I want, and applied for financial aid, basically I have jumped through the hoops that I thought I was supposed to jump through. And here I am: less that 5 weeks before classes start, no funding, no confirmation, no nothing. I just got an email from studentaid saying that they haven't received my declaration yet. What! I printed, signed, and sent that in two weeks ago! Something in the system is not working. I am very frustrated and I am tired of fighting for every little thing in life. Why is everything such a struggle!

I am terrified of the phone, as anyone who knows me knows. As soon as I got the email from the gov I jumped on the phone to the school financial aid officer and left a message with my info. I don't know how long this is going to take, and at this point I don't even know if I will be starting classes on the start date.

So I have done what I can do for today. At least as far as this issue is concerned.

I am now going to distract myself by making some bread. Put on some tunes and chill out.

Come to think of it maybe the heat has finally gone to my head.

So the other day I wrote a post and published it on my blog.

Immediately afterward my computer keyboard stopped working. The keys would push down but only about 30 % of my keystrokes would actually get to the screen... very frustrating. Even to enter my password to log on to windows was a challenge. So I did get logged on and I did some scans to see if I could find out what happened. No luck.

I have had a really busy week and haven't had time to sit down and really figure out what happened until last night. Well...

I looked at it yesterday and saw a light flashing that I don't remember noticing before. On closer inspection it is the battery indicator. So I logged off and shut everything down, waited for all the humming and such to stop. Flipped the laptop over and popped the battery out. When I booted up again everything works perfectly.

Almost makes me think I was going a little crazy.

So now that the computer is working properly again, I can write. I have been avoiding writing because I felt like I had nothing to say. I should more accurately say that I wasn't inspired to write anything I thought anyone else might like to read. Cause really it is about the audience. (And mine is so widespread... lol)

Things have been good this week.

It started with a bang. There was an accident on the main road in my neighborhood, and it knocked out the power for a huge area for I think about 18 hours. I love power outages, I really do love to lose the modern 'basic' necessities. On Tuesday morning I pulled out my camp stove and made my coffee out on the patio. Was so nice. I really get a sense of my precarious position in the chain of nature when there is no electricity. It put me in a real state of motivation and inspiration. And aside from that I got a really good night's sleep, I didn't fall asleep with the TV on, or wake up at 6:00 to the blender upstairs. I had almost forgotten what it was like to just lay down and go to sleep. (You know you have too much on your mind when you forget what a good night's sleep is like.)

Okay, I think I am just about spent. It has been such a busy day and so much happened. I want to write about it all, but I also really need some sleep.

So I am off to the showers, then to bed.
(No TV, well not for long, just a half hour, maybe an hour?)

Anyway :)

Good night world. I feel good.

Again with the moment of transition. I have come to a turning point.

I just got home from a celebration of one year of sobriety for a very lovely girl I know. I know how special she is by the way that she has touched my life. I shouldn't be shocked that she has touched so many others in a very similar way. I don't know if she realizes how special to me. I am so not good at expressing those emotional things. But that is part of my journey, to learn, or rather relearn how to do that.

I was talking to Ange last night. I made a realization as I was saying it to her that I don't know how to tell people how important they are to me. I don't tell the people I love that I love them enough.

Today was a good day. I made a plan to go to the woman's center to seek some help with what happened with my ex-boyfriend. And it turns out they aren't open on the weekend. Silly people, women have problems anyday of the week. I made the plan with Ange, because she is the only person I have really trusted with telling all the dirty little secrets. I know they are neither dirty nor little, but I hate to air my dirty laundry to ANYONE.

We spent most of the rest of today together and got a bunch of running around done and some of it had been on my to do list for months. I used a gift card from like four years ago that my sister and her husband gave me to do some diy projects I was thinking about. I bought some dirt to fill some planters that I want to grow some herbs and veggies in on my patio. I have been meaning to do it for several months (years).

This is insane to admit. But I have been using a bottle of nasty dish soap for the past couple of months. I am not sure how long it has been, but I know that it was given to me around Xmas cause that was the last time I saw that friend. It is truly horrible it leaves a residue on the dishes that smells like stale beer, yuk. Since I first opened the bottle I thought I would go to the dollar store and get a little bottle of anything else to mix it with because I hate to waste anything. This was my plan to save/use up this nasty soap. The offending bottle is 3/4 gone. Now I have a little bottle of name brand soap to mix it with and I almost don't want to pollute the good stuff with the old stuff now. (Truly feel ridiculous saying that.)

I have got a really big day planned for tomorrow. I am a little anxious.

I have an appointment with the learning specialist at the school, I have my Monday nooner, and I am going to try again to see someone at the woman's center. I don't know if I am ready. That is a lot to do. Especially for me, where lately getting out of the house for a noon meeting has been challenging for me.

Now comes the list...

I list, I may, I list, I might have this list I list tonight.

I need to do laundry, I need to make bread, I have to clean my washroom, I have to plant my planters, I really, really need to change my sheets and flip my bed, I want to do a tarot reading (it has been more than a month). I have so much stuff to do and so little energy, I have lots of time so that isn't a problem. I just can't get my butt moving to get anything done. I seem to be unable to finish anything.
Oh woe is me. Please feel sorry for me, I don't feel sorry enough for myself.

Yikes!

Time to go to bed now, maybe I can get 7 hours of sleep. Did I mention that I am not sleeping well, average of 3-5 hours a night. No wonder I am always tired.

Here is something I can do. I can pray tonight for good sleep, and put in my earplugs. After setting my alarm and selecting vibrate so that the bed will shake when it goes off. Although, I have very rarely woken up with the earplugs still in my ears, I usually have to search for them in the pillows and blankets.

Things that I am grateful for today:
My family, that they still love me through all my crazies.
My friend Ange, she has been so supportive lately.
My program, where else can I hear such a great message.
My general health, I am able to breathe easily and move about to do the stuff I need and want to do.

There is a lot in my life that is so amazing. I am so fortunate to have what I have.

Now it really is time to sleep. Good Night World.

This is a moment for me. 2012 was a little rough with me, it had some stuff to throw at me. Boy, am I lucky I can catch.

2012 a recap:

Worked 6 months of graveyard shifts, at a job I hated.

Was suspended from said job twice. 

Met, landed and lost the man of my dreams.

Lost and gained almost 20 pounds due to stress.

Went on a couple of really cool road trips.

Started baking sourdough bread.

Stopped working at above-stated hated job.

Was unemployed for about four and a half months.

Had a great summer, got tan lines for the first time since 1997.

Went to school for a month, and learned a bunch of really cool stuff.

Landed a job that I really loved, seasonal contract that is over now. (gonna miss this one)

Planned and finished some really cool homemade gifts for my family for Christmas.

Learned a lot about myself.

Okay, when I lay it all out like that it doesn't sound so bad. This last couple of months, I have felt like I have been run over by a truck. I guess I needed to see it out there in black and white to really appreciate what I have been through this year. I knew it had some ups and downs but in my usual fashion I fixate on the negative. Well now comes in my New Year's Resolution. (singular) I need to get the wording on this one right cause right now is when it counts.

In 2013 I resolve to:

Keep a positive outlook on life.

Get rid of the stuff that isn't in line with my highest good.

Become the woman that I know I am meant to be.

I know it looks like three, but really it is all so interconnected that it is one. I guess the real resolution is that I am working toward living my dreams.

So this is my wish for everyone to have a healthy and prosperous 2013.